Lexie struggles with her weight but is learning how to trust her body again with Am I Hungry?
Posted on 01/11/2007 @ 11:33 PM
We decided to go visit my grandma and play games. We stopped at a gas station to get drinks....and candy. I bought chocolate. Chocolate was never difficult for me until I cut sugar out of my life for a year and a half. Ever since then I want it all the time. But I've been allowing myself to have it almost every time I am hungry and I'm hoping that soon it won't hold so much power over me.
Well that seems to be working because the chocolate bar is in my purse and I haven't touched it, though several hours have passed since I bought it. I know I can have it when I am hungry and I just haven't wanted it. That's a nice feeling.
When we got to my grandma's she had tons of food sitting out and urged us to EAT!!!! I should have known that would happen but I didn't think about it. I'm thinking about food and the opportunity to eat less and less. I wasn't even tempted to look and see what she had. I did notice another cousin was eating lemon pie, one of my favorites....but there was only a very slight passing urge to have some. It lasted less than a minute.
When I think about that....it's THRILLING. I get so frustrated with my nighttime eating and the poor choices I continue to make during that time but there are so many other areas where there is CHANGE and that's wonderful!! That's success!
In the past it wouldn't have mattered that we had just eaten lunch a couple of hour ago. It wouldn't have mattered that I was not hungry. I would have immediately eaten my chocolate bar and then had whatever my grandma offered without even thinking about it....just because it was there! I wouldn't have tasted it even. It wouldn't have mattered how it tasted it was food and I was there...where is my plate?
And if I was "dieting" I would have WANTED the food and would have had to FIGHT not to eat it and I would have felt deprived if I didn't eat it. I would have looked to see what I might be missing. And today I had no interest in her food. And if I fought it and didn't eat...and had I explained that I was trying to lose weight they all would have praised me for my willpower. Instead I just explained that we had eaten already and I wasn't hungry. My grandma tried to push a few more times and I just walked away to talk to my uncle. I didn't think about that, either. I didn't consciously say to myself, "I'm going to have to walk away from this" it was just what I wanted to do and did it.
When I got home I turned on my cd and danced for a few minutes. Then I walked on my treadmill for awhile and worked on house cleaning.
I want to remember this. I want to remember how it felt to make the conscious decisions today, and I want to remember how it feels to be able to make healthy decisions without having to think about them. I want to remember that what I struggle with today can become a healthy habit tomorrow. Maybe the scale won't show the decisions I made today. Or rather....the scale will show the decisions I made today but it won't show weightloss. The scale is not the only measure of success. I am succeeding at changing my unhealthy habits.