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Lexie's Journal

Lexie struggles with her weight but is learning how to trust her body again with Am I Hungry?

If I lose weight, what will I hide behind?
Posted on 03/07/2007 @ 11:33 AM

I didn't want to write tonight. I kind of wanted to hide out from myself. However usually when I don't want to write is when I will get the most out of it. This evening I made healthier choices. Actually I did reasonably well all day. What helped me this evening was wittling. Or, more accurately, having a new project to learn and work on that kept my hands and mind occupied. I've never carved wood before and learning a new craft is always interesting for me. Tomorrow evening I might work on sculpting with clay. It's not possible to eat when your hands are covered in clay. I guess I've sort of decided that for now "distraction" is going to be the most effective choice for me. I already know many of the reasons why I overeat and I think the biggest struggle for me right now is using eating to keep me from smoking. I know why I was smoking. I know why I eat. Right now I think it's best to deal with the symptoms and when being a non-smoker becomes easier then I will dig deeper into the "Why" and "How can I fill that need with something other than food". There! I gave myself a break. I'm working WITH the situation instead of against it. It's very clear in my mind that food is my "last vice" my last "unhealthy coping skill" really. I'm sure there are little ones and always will be but it's my last "major" one and it only makes sense that the fear of giving it up is going to be more intense than any before it. Just like smoking though, food is not my friend and in excess it can kill me. My argument to non-smokers about health issues is that overeating is just as bad as smoking. I'm famous for not listening to myself... I cling to overeating as if it's a habit worth keeping. I know...I know I am allowing food to control me. I know I am "dependant" on my eating habit. But I don't want to know it because I am not ready to completely let go of it. It's just too scary. What does it mean if I let go of it? My first thought...."It means I'm all alone". That's a funny thing to think.....food is not company. What does it mean if I let go of it? I jokingly say to my friends, "Well as soon as I get this eating thing under control I will have no more issues and I will be perfect" wink-wink *smile* Isn't that what I've always wanted and could never get? Perfection? Haven't I always asked that of myself and failed over and over again? If I lose the weight I have nothing to hide behind. Beating my head against the same wall over and over again....when logically I know It would be less painful and more productive to go in another direction. Familiarity breeds comfort...even when what is familiar is twisted. I will remind myself that although I can't change the past I can always at any moment choose another direction, even when I am not perfect. I have no need to hide.

Michelle May M.D.

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