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Lexie's Journal

Lexie struggles with her weight but is learning how to trust her body again with Am I Hungry?

Let THEM eat cake
Posted on 01/23/2007 @ 12:29 AM

I made very poor choices with my evening eating. I was uncomfortable to the point of being sick. That's unusual and a sign of the stress I am feeling. Beating myself up for it will NOT relieve my stress and will not help me make healthier decisions. Judging myself will not help me. Forgiving myself and trying to do better each moment will help me. Reflecting on the changes I can make will help me. Maybe writing about what was happening will help me. I got off work early. My neck was hurting and it bothers me that the doctors can't figure out what's wrong. I went to the grocery to pick up food for tomorrow's meeting. I was not hungry. I was tired. I was feeling a little stressed. I picked up the items I needed. I picked up some coffee for myself and then some cake to go with it. I got home and started putting things away. I decided I needed to relax for awhile. I sat down.....then I went and cut some cake. I did NOT ask myself if I was hungry and looking back I don't believe I was hungry. If I eat when I am not hungry I will not get the signal that I am "satisfied". Then I ate another piece of cake. I "justified" it by saying it was "dinner". I was eating by the clock, not my body's needs. I just wanted the cake. While I was eating the cake I knew that coffee would make it even better but I didn't want to go make coffee. Maybe if I had made coffee the one piece of cake would have been more satisfying? I ate a third piece of cake. By that time I was already feeling physically bad and I still chose to eat. It no longer tasted good and eating had nothing to do with the food or hunger. I think I was judging myself too. I remember thinking, "It's not logical to eat more cake because I've already eaten more than I needed" yet I didn't stop. I remember thinking, "You need to stop and pray". I didn't. I just kept feeling worse and worse. The food was not distracting me from feeling worse. It was feeding the feeling and I was aware of that on some level and WANTED that on some level. What else was I thinking about? I was thinking...."I'm never going to get this right....I'm fat and ugly and I deserve to be fat and ugly". I will not be a slave to food. I want to be healthy. I like who I am becoming. I want to have more energy. I want to encourage others. I want to be comfortable with who I am. I want to be comfortable revealing who I am to other people. Weight does not really hide who I am. I am in charge of who I share myself with no matter what size I am. I am in charge of who I share myself with at any weight. For tomorrow....I will do my best to eat when I am hungry and stop when that hunger is satisfied. I will do my best to make choices that taste good and are nutritious. I will forgive myself and start again the moment if I stumble. I will try to ask for help if I need it.

Michelle May M.D.

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